wow~ i haven't been to this site in literally ages... o.O yaah... and all the stuph are completely outdated.. i haf no clue wat i intended to write bak then... and it's all bs and weird stuph ^-^;; stuph i wouldn't think of writing today~ but i still dun feel like getting rid of this site.. cux it's still memories of my hk trip and stuph stuph~~ yupyup~ but now i haf a new and fast way of blogging~~ my xanga journal~ it's updated everyday~ http://www.xanga.com/tiffie_muimui yupyup~ that's all i haf to say here~~ i'm out~~ c u on xanga~
^-^

wat's is like spending so much time on a guy u like? u alwayz thot he liked u... he was nice, sweet, cute... and like... u've spent a lot of time understanding the guy and realli trying to help him... then all of a sudden, u talk to his best friend and he tells you that he never liked u... he's playing u... he's just that flirty type hu likes to flirt and get attention with gurls that are easy to get... and i was soo confident that these two grade 12s i knew were good... they were one of the more mature people and more serious about love... i realli did care about him... if he had hw, i respected him and let him do it before i asked to do something with him again... he felt odd talking to me in front of his friends because they rumoured too much so i respected that and onli relali talked to him after skool or on our lone times... i relali cared about his feelings and then one day... he basically tells me he never did... i never even skimmed his priority list... and i noe a lot of people don't agree with wat i say... tobira tells me there is nothing to stress about.. nothing to worri... fi tells me to ignore him and forget about him... and i'm getting many other opinions... but none of them seem to work for me... i can't forget... and i can't stop stressing no matter how hard i try... i try to drown myself in work and everything... nothing works...

at skool, i try ignoring him... but he comes out almost everyday to the cafe at my lunch... i try to ignore him at skool since he doesn't talk to me much before anywayz... and then he actually starts talking to me again... i take him off my "family" list and he asks to be bak on it... why? when i try to forget him, he comes to me again? i onli beg of him to let me go...

i dunno how to forget... i try to forget and i onli remember it even more... and i'm afraid to leave... i don't want him to stop being nice to me... it was the closest i've ever felt to having bf and it realli made me feel warm and happy inside...

i'm just so so tired from all this... i just don't want to think and i don't want to see.... i'd rather walk around blind again if i haf to... i didn't want to wake up... i didn't want reality to slap me in the face... i didn't noe it wuold hurt so much... and i want to do it just cry... i noe all of u tihnk i'm crazee... but that's how i truly feel...

Today I didn't realli do anything except sing K at home and go to my piano lesson. While on the way back home, I was in the car listening to Nic Tse's song "Oliver Twist" and kinda thinking about yesterday. Thinking kinda about how he was realli sweet to me. Kinda like my boyfriend kinda thing... and i didn't realli do anything back. Of course I let him do watever, but it doesn't seem like i did enough. And yesterday was just realli special to me. It realli was. so while i was listening to it, i started to kinda cry cux the song was sad. Not that i was feeling sad but i was touched i guess... i dunno... but i felt very wierd...

i talked to him online after dinner. He said he probably can't go to Tiffany's house and then it kind went downhill from there too... ai... not good - -"

uwahh!~ Went to Wonderland yesterday and I went with *him* and His sister, but she kinda walked off on us. So it was basically only me and him. ^^ He was sooo kawaii!~ mm.. when he said he was tired, he would put his arms around my shoulder and kinda like... hug me... it was just realli cute la... mm.. then he would kinda play with my hair and pinch my face. He did that stuph even around his sister. Then Emily, Marco and Lisa kept stalking me and phoning me. Wanting to ask me where i am... ai... they were realli annoying - -" so i met up with them after lunch with Him. I think I either bored him to death or said something to make him pissed... or maybe cux he thot i was closer to Marco - -" but it went downhill from there... he said he was tired... but that probably wasn't it... he was still kinda cute but nothing compared to the morning... hmm... then my dad took the comp to get fixed so i couldn't talk to him online. It didn't realli turn out to be the best day. but it was realli nice...

Whoa... haven't updated in such a LONG time... and... lot's of updates to do... hmm... let's see... where to start... mmm... yah... I found out that the guy who called in HK wasn't "Tobira". o.O? aiya... i think it was Jacky then... but he sounded soo much like "Tobira." Wierd... mm... i still have to give out loads of souvenirs for people...

"Tobira" called this morning and said he couldn't go... o.O?? o wellz... watever... i'll see wat his reason is... but that kinda hurt... - -" watever... I went out to Chai Wan to "Wah Gor" and got a LOT of Nic Tse stuph ^^ I got his signatures on a lot of pictures. He personalized the books by putting my name with his signature. I got a pair of his shoes, T-shirt and headband. They are all sooo pretty ^^ hehe... makes up for half of the not being able to see him thing... I also got Edison Chan and Kelly Chen signatures too ^^ waaahh... sooo happi ^^

Went to North Point to eat lunch. We went to the library and walked around Causeway Bay after that. I got a T-Shirt and lots of magazines...

Went out for lunch at Pizza Hut and then went home. After mom came home, we went out to Cityplaza and shopped. I got some more masks ^^;; and then we went home again. Mom went out to eat with friends and the rest of us went out to eat at the Castle. When I got home again, "Tobira" called. He sounded so different tho... newayz... we agreed to watch a movie together in Tsim Sha Tsui.

did a lot of packing...

"Tobira" called this morning but my stupid sis didn't ask for his phone number or give him my cell. *sighz* o wellz... I went online and talked to *him* ^^ He's realli looking forward to me coming back ^^ He told me to hurry up and get back. I said that I would tell the pilot to fly faster. He told me to fly the plane. I told him i would die before i get back if i flew the plane. Then he told me not to die. hehe... i dunno... it sounds like nothing much but it means a lot to me ^^ Wondering if "Fujiiro" hinted something ^.~ cux he seems a lot warmer to me now... dunno why...

I'm hoping to go out just the two of us again... It'll prove something hopefully... and hoping he would make the first move too. I alread have two excuses.
1. Wonderland
2. Dropping off souvenirs for him and staying a bit to finish off the movie

I stayed home in the afternoon and then went out for dinner with Au Por Por.

Went to drink a with Au Por Por again. We just kinda shopped around Causeway Bay again today cux they had to get something for my aunt in Toronto. I bought a "Yes!" K Song Book and a pair of jeans. And.... *drum roll* the Final Fantasy X-2 Postcard book!~!~ ^^ It's sooo pretty! hehe... newayz.. I had dinner with some relatives again and then went home. Haven't talked to *him* in a long time lu... - -" i went online when it was during the blackout... obviously nobody was on... o wellz... if i see him online i do... if i don't, then it's just not my day...

Went online this morning and talked to *him* la of course ^^ We kinda talked about going to Wonderland. He didn't realli say anything about going with other ppl so i guess it could be like Pacific Mall, just the two of us ^^ At the beginning of summer he asked me to teach him piano gar... but we kinda put the idea aside and he asked me to teach him again ^^ Man... i haf so much to do... Vince wants to take me to the beach, I wanna sing K and of course teach *him* piano and go to Wonderland.... and i haf to do that in one week! >.< not enuf time... - -" ai... o wellz... i'll get watever i can do in one week... - -"

We went out to "drink tea" with some older ppl. The older ppl went to buy some stuph and me, my sis and my mom went to Sogo and Jardin Street. I bought a wristband this Mercedes car model for Tobira. It's actually a realli nice car... i kindal ike it too ^^;; haha.. newayz.. We had cup noodles at home and watched some TV b4 sleeping... that's where all the fat comes from... eat, TV, sleep and eat again - -"

Went online this morning and talked to *him* ^^ He seemed to be waiting my return to Canada. We kinda talked about going to Wonderland together (which he seems to approve) and he still wants me to give him piano lessons ^^ This was a lil part of our conversation: He told me he had some bad dreams lately and i gave him some ways to help, but he said they didn't help much so i just wished him swt dreams when he was going to sleep and that i would cross my fingers with him for luck. He was like, "You can do better than that..." and i was like, "How?" Then he said, "I dunno... i just expect more from u..." o.O? wierd.....

We went out to Causeway Bay Times Square. At the "Yes!" Station there I got a Stephy poster, Boy'z picture and Karena picture. I also bought some more "Yes!" cards. At Sogo I wanted to buy this Final Fantasy X-2 Postcard book but my mom got so pissed that i wanted to buy that i didn't... yet... lol... I'm planning to get it when i shop with someone else. The next one would probably be Tobira if he can find me. The book is REALLI pretty ^^ Dying for it. Anywayz, after dinner at home, I went online again buit no one was there so I left.

My dad and sister went to the beach this morning and my mom went to the bank with my grandma. I just stayed home and went online til about 2:30pm cux i couldn't go - -"

As soon as *he* came on, he msged me! Just like last time. ^^ We kinda talked in general again about my fatness, my screwed up mandarin, etc. Everything to taunt me with - -" but o wellz... he talked to me at least and stayed til 2:20am talking to me. He wouldn't even go get himself food until i said i had to brb. But he said something realli wierd. Here's the convo:

him: lol
too bad la
u can always learn some from me ma =p

me: hahah.... realli? haha... that's tru geh... i guess some of the wierdo mandarin i'm speaking to ppl is from u... haha... but i think the stuph my aunt is teaching is a lil different from taiwan mandarin... so i dunno... she said there was a difference wor... and i was sitting there going... ok... i dun see it...

him: hey my mandrin is not WEIRD !!

me: i mean the way i speak it... lol... not ur way... >.< sorri... communication problems...

him: lol
more like generation gap =p

me:....
generation gap? ok.....

him:ahahahha yes ^^
u understand that right? =p

me: errr... i'm hoping i'm not taking that the wrong way... like i mean another way...

him: ahahahha yah u better not =p

me: err... that's the thing.. i think i am...
argh... confusion...

him: ahahha u condusing me too

me: haha... sune la... forget about it then... i'll just wipe that out of my brain watever u meant...

o.O?? Note the "generation gap" comment he made after i corrected what i said... he's 3 years older than me and a lot of ppl seem to have a problem with that for some reason. Fujiiro, *him*, Tobira and I kinda silently all agree that age difference doesn't realli matter. At least we all think that way. And here he is kinda hinting the GENERATION GAP... or... he could me the fact that I am his so called "mother." But still... there was no reason for that either... - -"

I had a huge nap in the afternoon while my dad brought the Nic Tse books to the guy to get Nic Tse to sign. He went shopping with my mom without me after that >.< Newayz, I met them bak at Causeway Bay for dinner and then went home.

I went out for tea again at 9:00am with my aunt's mom and dad this time - -" so earli... Then I went to Jusco. I got 2 picture frames, one for me and one for Emily and a relali cute Eeyore photo album. After a lil rest at home, we went to a temple and I got myself a "Ping An Foo" (lucky charm kinda thing). Then we went to Festival Walk. At the magazine store, I got a Twins "Yes!" magazine. Festival Walk was a tad boring so we went to "Ap Liu Gai." In other words, it's a HUGE street for electronics. I got myself some batteries and headphones. Just before dinner, me and my dad went to go get the pictures from the guy hu noes Nic Tse and fonud out that we were supposed to bring the book I bought of Nic Tse to him. My uncle left out an important detail. Then I also found out that if my uncle phoned one day earlier, he could've arranged for me to SEE HIM UP CLOSE, KINDA TALK TO HIM, GET THE SIGNATURE, AND TAKE A PICTURE with him... i am sooo pissed at my uncle... - -" >.< ;_; stupid sister picked the wrong day and now stupid uncle - -" o wellz...

I went home and went online. *He* started the convo with me as soon as he got home from chruch and got online! and nobody was on on my list so it made it all the more special! ^^ We just talked in general. Maybe the gonig out to Wonderland with onli him doesn't sound so farfetched anymore... maybe it's possible... i dunno...

I finally got ICQ Lite installed onto my uncle's very unstable computer... and updated my ICQ info... stupid internet didn't let me do that...

Went out this morning at 9:00am to have tea with my cousin's grandma. After the tea, I went home while my parents went out to shop at Causeway Bay.

I went online and got a chance to talk to *him.* It was a longer talk and he was realli caring about why i was sad and why i hurt myself, but as I was talking to Fujiiro and him, I just started noticing things. Many of the things he did with me are the same as he does with others... I realli do onli merely exist in his life. Ok... Fujiiro convinced me otherwise about me being his toy but i guess i'm not more than i thot i was. I was kinda making myself believe wat was not tru. But I can't take the friend route that Fujiiro is taking with Tobira. I can't afford to wait anymore. I've waited long enuf... Akira never even talked to me (possibly hated me), Tobira never realli knew, but I think found out about it (probably even reacted to it, but it was too late) and *him* well.. i dunno.. but based on his character, he changes realli fast. - -" And here I am still going for him... - -" o btw.. his ICQ info:

Isn't it beautiful?
If we could walk, hand in hand,
I'd want to go
to your town, your home, in your dreams

I dream of being
against your chest
my body in your keeping
disappearing into the evening

Words halted by wind are
a gentle illusion
A tomorrow torn by clouds is
the voice of a distant place

o.O?? ok... newayz... nice song... and i'll stop thinking about it rite there... - -"

Newayz... I went out to Jusco after watching some TV. We ate dinner with my uncle. He gave us the phone number of the guy hu knows Nic Tse. We're supposed to phone him to get some signatures! ^^ After dinner we went to Lan Kwai Fong and loked around. I bought a flashing pin and a flashing glow stick. We went home after.

I went to Ocean Park today. I went on their so-called drop zone and all of their good rollar costers. It was ok... but it was realli hot outside... Then we had this realli good seafood dinner with a guy from the company, Oriental Air. After dinner, we went home, I went online. *He* was there but when i greeted him, he never answered me. When I had to go, I just told him that I hated life and went offline. I didn't want to sound so pissed... but I just am... - -"

Went online this morning at Carmen's house and talked to *him* for a bit. We alwayz onli have like 5 minutes in the end to talk. We never get more than that >.<. Then I went to go play badmonton. I wanted to the Anime Convention again to see Nic Tse, but my parents didn't want me to go... argh... all thanks to my sis who picked the wrong day... - -" Instead, we went to "Women Street" <-- translate that to Chinese. I bought some PJs, a pair of jeans, a double layer top, blet, Prada bag, CDs, MP3s, and Movies (like MX2, Tomb Raider, T3, Pirates of the Carribean, etc.) Then we went home and I went online. I talked to Bill again but for another short while cux my uncle got home and needed the computer.

I'm just realli scared. I feel like *his* toy. I'm just not as important as I think I am. Everything he does with me he does with others. Yah... it's true that some things are a lil bit different from others, but I'm realizing more and more that I'm not different. I just another gurl in his life that merely exists as a friend. I'm not who I thot I was. It's just all "yut sern ching yune." I just put myself into it and made myself believe it. I've been lying and now that the truth hits me, it realli hurts. I put a lot into it and now I noe I'm going to lose everything. Every lil ounce of effort I put into it. I'm going to lose it again. Just like I did before. This ending is no different. I'm starting the whole water cycle again. Why must everything be taken from me? I can't stand it when people try to take everything. They won't step aside and give others chances. I did that. I stepped aside. I gave someone a chance. I just realised. Not everything u do will be returned. It will, but the ending could be bad. I thot of this today:
cry...
allows me to be more mature, more understanding...
smile...
allows me to make others happi...
lost of love...
is life's saddest experience...
love...
is life's most beautiful, happi and warm feeling...
but...
is it THAT simple?

It sounds better in Chinese but I just put it here in English for now. I can't update my ICQ info... too out of it for words... later

Went online this morning. Just talked to Fujiiro. Then we went out to the HK Anime Convention. The people in cosplay were sooo pretty! I got this mini sword and book, 3 Twins postcards, a Chinese RPG for *him*, a keychain and a mini stuphed doggy. I also saw Siu Jing Lam (Edwin) on stage ^^ We left the Anime Con and went to eat dinner at my grandmas place. Then I went to the CityPlaza and bought an MP3! The brand is Safa and it is from a Korean factory and it's pink. I'm hopng I can go to the Anime Convention tomorrow to see Nicholas Tse ^^ I went over to my HK friend, Carmen's house for a sleepover. It was pretty fun.

At Carmen's house I talked to *him* for a very short time. He replied fast and stuph and he seemed happi and stuph. It was too short tho... o wellz... at least we talked.

Went online this morning and talked to *him*. Finally! and he started the convo too! but that was becuz i left him an offline msg as a reply to his offline msg... that's why and he had to go eat realli quickly. But it was nice talking to him anywayz ^.^ Vincent was hinting something about "Tobira." It was way too wierd. He was like... "Lei gor Jai is almost coming to pui you la wor... u happy lei?" And I didn't noe wat to say... and when i said i didn't even have his number, he was like... "He will find u for sure." I was speechless after that too... wierd...

I went out to watch "Good Times, Bed Times" (cantonese movie) with Lisa in Kwai Fong. It was soooo gud and soooo funni. I went up to her house after and we played some video games. When my parents called, I went to meet up with them in Sha Tin and we shopped at the shopping mall there. I bought a pair of realli kool jeans and a green-ish top with a zipper collar. I also got sum more souvenirs at "Yes!" Station and some more "Yes!" cards. As for the MP3, I think I'm getting SAFA, but i haf to pay the extra $100 Canadian - -" but it's a realli pretty MP3 ^^

I took a one day tour today to the Huge Budhist. We just kinda prayed a bit. I wanted to "Cou Cheem" but then i couldn't find the booth. It would've been fun tho... We went to Tai O after and stopped by some fishing shops. Omg.. they smelled sooooo bad >.< ewww... but then we went to eat some Tofu Flower (translate that to Chinese). That was good. The last stop of the tour was the Ching Ma Suspension Bridge. We took some pics but it was too hot to stay outside long. It would've been prettier at nite with all the lites and stuph. After the tour we went to the Hk cultural center, space musium and the boradwalk. We went to this Teddy Bear Land o.O? and the New World Shopping Centre. We ate dinner after that. After dinner, I went to Broadway and just as i was about to buy an MP3, i found out that it wasn't dual voltage... - -" meaning i can't use it in Canada... o wellz... find one that's battery loaded then...

I went online and I got an offline msg from *him*. He said he was sorri he was at church when he didn't answer me the other day. That's a plus cux he normally never msgs me after i go offline ^^ hehe... But i didn't get to talk to him in person... o wellz... better luck tmrw morning then ^^

Went online this morning as usual. Talked a bit to Matias and a bit to Fujiiro. I miss her soo muchies!~ I went swimming with my HK friend, Carmen, and then we went to Tsim Sha Tsui. by ferry. We walked around Nathan Road. I got myself a bracelet, pari of shoes and capri pants. I ate dinner with some family members again - -" getting more and more... I came bak home and went online again. *he* was online but when i msged him he never answered me - -" o wellz...

I went online this morning again. *He* wasn't there >.< haven't talked to him two days in a row la... sigh... newayz... I went out with my HK friend, Carmen to Pacific Place and Queensway Plaza. I bought eye liner and a pack of tissue. Then our families went to Stanley and ate dinner together. The food was the best food I've tasted in a long a time ^^ All that fat too ^^;;

I went home after dinner and talked to Fujiiro on the phone. She better feel special! I phoned onli her.. not even *him* haha... haha... it would've been too wierd phoning him... we just kinda talked about wat happened between her and "Tobira." It sounded sweet ^^ keep it up Fujiiro ^.~

I also talked to Lisa on the phone. We were kinda talking about our love lives and I kinda realized that hers is realli similar to mine. She's suprised that I still go through all this when she already thinks it's so annoying. I dunno... I'm surprised too. I mean.. if u trust astrology books then Aquarius people are like that. So she was telling about her friend Peter and about how sweet he seemed to her. I guess she kinda started liking him. But then he got pissed at her because she went out with another person. After they broke up, he started being nice to her.m So in some wayz it seems that he realli likes her and in some wayz it seems like he doesn't. She tells me she feels played around with and I noticed how similar that sounded. *he* does act sweet to me and everything. He does a lot of things that he doesn't do to other people. A lot of things are smack obvious that he likes me, but there are those lil things that he does to other people that kinda makes it seem like he likes them. So I feel played. If he realli never liked me I'd have to say, he played realli big. He did all those things and told me he didn't like me. So I alwayz wondering wat he's thinking. I look at wat he does to other ppl and I just get scared. Cux i'm putting everything into this and I'll probably find out he was not serious.. that's how he wants to treat me and that's how he wants me to think. I dunno... Lisa was like, I dun wanna have anything to do with Peter anymore and I'm like... should I just go along the same line before it gets too far? But i can't let go... I just can't... I'm not that type...

*sigh* How to help "Fujiiro" with "Tobira"? Hmm... standing on this side and dealing with *him* has helped me see their situation better somehow. Also the fact that i used to like him helps me understand him more but he's still very hard to understand - -" I guess he's just realli confused himself about who he wants to be with. That's why he is so hard to understand. And also because of this confusion he's putting down his self impression to others. It's onli because we noe him well enuf that we can see past this point, but he's kinda hurting "fujiiro's" feelings going on and off like that. And also neglecting me sometimes. He would suddenly do things that could hurt your feelings. I was alwayz wondering. Are onli children in the family realli different? Hey, but for a single child, he's caring enuogh. O wellz. I guess you just haf see past this point. But if you're gonna be with him, it's gonna take a lot of work. I guess that's all I can say. But honestly, if you want something to work and go well, it'll require lots of work.

It's not easy with *him* as well. He's not taking hints well enough and I must say he's not the world's nicest guy either. Some of his jokes can get pretty mean. But I have to look over those points and work towards it. But I can't take his hints either because he's just way to random with wat he does. I can't tell if he means it or not. But whether or not it's wat i'm thinking. the things he does are pretty cute. I've given up a lot of times cux i guess it's not gonna work. I read this in a book:
"Aquarius are one of the strongest signs and they alwayz go for their goals. They are generous, adaptable and curious. They are very open about their way of thinking and feeling, care a lot about their own and other's feelings and put a lot of effort in love and relationships."
The traits i put in bold are the traits that i think are realli good. But those are the traits that hurt me the most. It's realli hard for me to put down and forget about things when it comes to love and relationships.

We went to the Peak today on the Peak Tram. The whole sight of Hong Kong up there is realli pretty. I got this glass dragon cell phone string. We then took the bus to Causeway Bay and went to Times Square. There at "Yes!" station, I traded my "Yes!" card for a Nicholas Tse "Yes!" card holder and i bought a notebook for Emily and a Twins Storage box for me. My dad got a digicam and then we went for dinner with my mom and dad's old friend. I wanna an MP3 badly - -" probably that one where Twins were putting on ad. watever. rant more later.